The Shy Peacock Blog

When You Have a “Hater” Family Member

I’ve written about some of my experiences in navigating friendships and determining when it’s time to let them go and when to continue to make an effort.  I backed off of the subject for a while because well, I had come to a place of understanding what I needed to do uncomfortable friend situations.

But…and I’m sure you were expecting this…I eventually had an experience that called into question a relationship with FAMILY.  Yes, I capitalized the word family.  It’s still a bit alarming to me that I actually have something to write about when it comes to releasing some familial relationships.  Please understand that I’m very aware of the fact that I’m engaged in a lot activity around who’s being “kicked off the island” and who’s alright to stick around.  It’s not that I have a superiority complex, or that I feel like I’m better than the next at all, it’s just that I’m making some really risky moves these days and my personality dictates that I can’t be distracted by fear driven people.  The truth is, I can lose myself in that fear and end up becoming so empathetic to their concern about me that I fall off of the path.  These days, I won’t do that. It’s just not an option.

Just look at that title.  Warning: I really don’t consider this person a hater. I just liked the title.

But I digress (per usual).  I have one extremely close relative that I had purposely been keeping away from the things that I’m currently working on because she worries so much, that she creates things to be concerned about and sometimes, that’s distracting.  Note: this is different from someone who gets worried and is on point with what they point out as a concern.  My beloved family member is hardly ever correct about her assumptions.  When I think about it, she’s never been right…strange how that works.  Now that I give it some real thought, she ACTUALLY follows through on asserting her concerns, yet none have ever been accurate.  Interestingly enough, she keeps offering her fears up on a platter.  Even with that, I know she genuinely cares and I’d never want her to think I’m blind to that fact, and it’s a gift to have someone who cares.

Although I get can feel verklempt by the overindulgence in worry by this person, this post is less about a “hater” family member, or any family member in particular.  It’s more about trying to understand what to do with family members that you just don’t vibe with.  We all know the feeling…you have a familial counterpart that you like okay but the truth is, you probably wouldn’t hang out with them if you didn’t have to, yet they have access to different areas of your life by virtue of being close to one of your parents or even grandparents.  I’m not referring to the family member you just flat out dislike (it happens), but the one you just don’t have anything in common with but they might be apart of your extended immediate family (think a first cousin by marriage, or that uncle or aunt that always has something to say).

You can’t exactly dump them (I’ve tried) because they ALWAYS come back. You can’t avoid them because they ALWAYS come back.  What can you do?

Accept them. That’s what it comes down to.  I learned the hard way that if you want to be accepted just as you are, you have to give people the benefit of the doubt.  That’s not to say that you have to include them in things that are personal to you, or try to force a closeness that doesn’t exist.  You just have to acknowledge who and what they are and leave it at that.

It’s one of the most excruciating things to do in this life, but it’s one of the things that just has to be.  It becomes easier to do it when you learn to be present in your state of mind as much as possible.  The difficult things to accept just bounce off of you when you stay present and focused enough that you filter it out almost as soon as you’re confronted with it.  Staying away is a given, but sometimes it’s just not possible.

Acceptance as a solution to handling that “hater” family member may be cliche,  but cliches are cliches because they tend to be true.  Your definition of acceptance is what makes the difference.  Mine is to recognize that people behave from what they know to be true, no matter what our truth is, and it’s okay.  For me, it’s about what I do to protect myself.

So…I’m done lol.  Tell me about your hater family member and what you’ve done to coexist with them.  I’m listening.

You didn’t think I’d forget to plug my Shy Peacock Journal Collective?  Click here and sign DSC02182up and get a bunch of free stuff about journal writing.

Peace ya’ll!

The Return of Peacock: The Revamp

Don’t call it a comeback! I’m back on the scene with that gangsta lean! Alright, analogies done lol. So this is the inaugural post of the renewed Shy Peacock.  It’s been 589 days since I’ve posted anything here and the time finally felt right. I’ve been mulling over what I should talk about for a couple of weeks now and there wasn’t any one topic that held my attention long enough to write about.  I’ve had so many things change and evolve that I feel a since of urgency when comes to sharing but in this last 1 year, 7 months, and 11 days, I’ve actually learned a bit more about discretion and patience.  Maybe the best place to start is giving a bit of an explanation as to why I stopped posting for a while.

It’d be easy to say that I stopped because I had writer’s block or something like that but the truth is I stopped for 2 reasons: 1) I got overwhelmed with trying to keep up an almost daily posting schedule along with me literally transitioning into a more stable living situation and 2) My ex-mother in law is nosey as fuck.  The first reason is probably a bit more self-explanatory but just to be “mature” I’ll expand on it before I get to the petty shit lol. For some context for those of you who don’t know the full backstory, I was couch hopping for a few months while getting use to the idea of my three sons living with their father who had be skating on the edge of marginal as a parent; today he is not.   He’s actually pretty dope to be honest…but back to the story at hand…I’d been the primary parent for years due to my ex-husband pursuing his professional and educational goals and I’d called all the shots. Until…I hit a financial sinkhole and I needed to dig myself out and in order to do that I needed his help (something I could never really trust in the past). On top of that he started dating and eventually married someone that’s great with the kids but I don’t like (shrugs…might as well be honest about it…I don’t wish her ill at all…I just don’t really fuck with her like that for no reason other than I felt she overstepped when it came to my personal boundaries as a woman and a mother, so a line was drawn in the sand….and I’m good with it).  As you can imagine that time in life made for a lot of interesting stories and personal growth that wasn’t always easy to manage. Currently things are pretty stable. We have to work at it every day but again, stability has finally become a part of my everyday life.

Now on to reason #2…my ex mother in law was stalking my blog for a while and I was over it.  Back when I was still married to her son, she’d crossed so many lines with me, the marriage, and even the kids that I eventually banned her from any house I was living in (with no objection from her son who was still my husband at the time of the verdict).  That rule was still in play even after we divorced which means I don’t talk to her.  I felt that once I worked up the nerve to leave the marriage, it meant I was leaving what I perceived to be dysfunction on the part of my ex’s family. It was really simple for me (and still is) I wanted her out of my business. When I started the blog initially I didn’t really give a lot of thought to the fact that people who actually knew me would ever read it lol (crazy but true). It certainly didn’t dawn on me that any of the elder people I’d come to know in my life would take the time to log on to a computer to read my little thought.  Most of the ones I knew could barely uses their smartphones so you can imagine my shock and amusement when I discovered that my ex mother in law had been on my site daily for close to a month reading all of my entries.  The only reason I was able to figure it out was because of the analytics. It was crazy…in matter of weeks I’d gone from about 100 views a day to something like 500.  After analyzing the stats I figured out it was one person who didn’t know how to click from one post to the next so they’d go all the way back to the home page and restart navigation of the site.  At the time I was in contact with one of my former sister in laws and she informed me that her mom had knew about the blog. Being the genius I am (j/k) I figured out it was her. At first I was amused at the classic baby boomer lack of technology savviness but then I got irritated. Then I felt violated. Then I got straight pissed. Her doing that made me feel disrespected by her all over again. It might be irrational for some but it was clear for me…I wanted her out of my business years before and I still wanted her ass out of my business then.   At that point I’d written a million things that left me vulnerable to public opinion but that revelation was just too much for me.  So I stopped posting for a while. I had to.  I could feel myself on the edge of writing some cryptic shit meant for her and I couldn’t go for that. Just like I felt she’d taken over things in my house, I would’ve allowed her to take over the safe space I’d created for myself. So I said to myself, “Fuck that”. I needed a mental break anyway so it seemed like the perfect time to do just that.  I took a break. I started living life. I started working on a few creative projects, hosted a couple of podcasts, had a few failed relationship situations, became a savage, flexed my G muscle, honored my inner (and outer) witch, and decided to get it how I live without regret.  It was fun and it still is…and it brought me back to life and gave me a few more sista friends who fully support my journey. I picked up a few good brotha friends too.

So that’s it…that’s what I’ll be talking shit about for a while…the last 589 days and what they did for a G lol.  I turned 35, gained a little weight, got a dream job, discovered my ancestors, and started getting more clarity around what my ideal life looks like.  I really thought I was an open book before but some much has happened that I feel the need to share a bit more.

Forgive me if there are any typos or grammatical errors in the first post but I was rushing to get this thing posted before the full moon. We’ll get into that sooner or later lol.

Alright ya’ll…holla at me if you have anything to add. I’ve missed you and I hope you missed me too 😉

 

Peace and light and darkness.  Down with the fuck shit lol,

Simone

The Shy Peacock Returns!

Hey ya’ll!

It’s been a long time but you know how it goes…life happens and you have to start living it.

A lot’s happened since my last entry and I want to make sure I catch you up.

Check back next week because I’ll be talking shit and taking names again!

Brace yourself people!

When You Journal So Hard, You Have A Crew

Hey family! I hope everyone’s doing fine on this Indigenous People’s Day!

So…I have an announcement that I’m really proud of and I hope you are too.

After having so much fun doing my “When We Journal, We Journal Hard” course (which is still happening by the way), it became crystal clear to me that there’s a whole community of people out there that really want to get into journal writing. So…I and The Shy Peacock Lifestyle (which is me lol) have put together a program called The Shy Peacock Journal Collective!

Journal collective? Um…what does that even mean? Well, to answer my own questions, a journal collective is a program that will help you grow in your journal writing.  The way I look at is that when you write in a journal or a diary, you gain clarity.  When you gain clarity, you make better choices and decisions.  When you make better choices and decisions, you grow the quality of your life exponentially, and who doesn’t want super high quality of life? And high quality living is the goal of this program.

Here’s what you get:

  • Weekly journal prompts that are curated with the goal of evolution and progress in mind.
  • Access to weekly videos/classes that give you insight into how to make the journal prompts work for you, as well as tools to make life better in other areas.
  • Admission to a Facebook group where you can receive all types of resources and information to help you even more.
  • A skill that is priceless.
  • A repertoire for being the best legacy builder you can be.
  • Information that can be shared and passed on to younger generations.
  • Real control over the story of your experience.
  • And even more tools to make your life and your loved ones’ lives better.

Here’s the kicker…you get all of that for only $5 a month. That’s all.

Sound interesting? Cool! Click here to learn more and sign up!

One more thing…do you need journal supplies or other tools to help you get yo’ life?  Well click here and visit The Shy Peacock Lifestyle Shop and check out some of my favorite items!  Your girl has got you covered!

Let me know what you think!  Leave some comments below and tell me how you feel!

When You Realize You Can Forgive Someone You Don’t Like

In the last few days I’ve had a couple of moments of real clarity about the idea and action of forgiveness. It was brought to my attention that a couple of people that I had made it my business to keep a distance from started following this blog.  And I don’t mean they check in to see what’s new every now and then, they’re on here almost everyday.  And it’s a little weird lol.  I get that I write and comment on a purposely public platform (say that three times fast), but it doesn’t negate the fact that I still have some relationships that are either a work in progress, or even relatively non-existent.

But back to the former associates that have taken an interest in my writing.  I won’t lie, when it became clear that these people were reading my thoughts about a number of topics that are personal to me (and them), I was initially irritated.  I thought, “Stay out of my business. I don’t talk to you for a reason.”  I started down a path of overreacting that would no doubt lead to eventually acting out.  I actually decided to sit on the reaction for a minute because one of the main things that’s sinking in for me is that I can get answers to any and everything that I want to understand…as long as I stop worrying about the how.  When I stood still long enough the CORRECT reaction kept showing up.  Forgiveness and gratitude.  Gratitude is pretty easy for me, but forgiveness?  Not so much.  Especially with people who have tapped all the way into my nerves, people who have consistently violated my boundaries and continue to do so after they’ve been informed of the boundaries, or, this is the big one, those who seem to enjoy violating others (even in a small way), but feel they deserve understanding while withholding their own.  I guess the last reason translates into hypocrites who enjoy disrupting others but easily get their feelings hurt when they’re called to task for their bad behavior.

In the time while I sought out clarity about the proper reaction to these new blog supporters (let’s call them what they are because their clicks count too), it all made sense…I’d been wasting a lifetime on wasting my energy and breath trying to “defend” myself or make sure other people knew where I was coming from when there was a disagreement.  Because I didn’t feel heard or respected when I would try to explain my position, that person would end up on my shit/grudge list. I had made a grave mistake by thinking that if I disliked someone or the things they do, when it comes to me in particular, they automatically lost my forgiveness and by default, my gratitude.

Another factor in this acknowledgement of my own frailty came as a result of my research for one of my journaling classes.  Specifically, the power that thoughts have over your emotions, feelings, communication, and eventual actions.  I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t take what I found seriously.  I couldn’t encourage and teach others anything if I had not taken responsibility for myself.  If nothing else, I have one thing in my repertoire that never fails me…my journal and I knew I could come to something using it.

I sat down (I had to really make myself do this) and completed an assignment that I had given my students to hash out the role that my thoughts had played in the entire situation.  The first thing I did was to acknowledge how I really thought of one of the people I mentioned earlier (lurker #1…just saying lol) and the truth is I never really liked this person.  I never had hate or ill wishes for the person, I just didn’t care for the way they went about things, especially the things connected to me and mine.  For me, that made it easy to never entertain the idea of giving this person the benefit of the doubt.  Over the course of our interaction, I’d felt violated a number of times and the person that could’ve stepped in on my behalf and made a real impact never did, and when I did it for myself it was, well, not pretty and in my mind finite.  Don’t worry, I didn’t kill anyone, I just made my boundaries unbreakable.  The initial decision that I made in handling the repeat offender was the right thing to do.  I’m sure of it to this day.  It became an issue when every time the person got anywhere near my fortress ( and I mean in an indirect way) I could pull up all of the reason why they were to remain on my shit list.

And then it hit me. I was being unnecessarily unforgiving toward someone that really makes no real direct impact on my life.  In my quest to keep this person as far away from me as possible, I’d kept ME as far away from me as possible.  If I knew that person was anywhere in the vicinity, my whole routine would change up.  I’d find “something else” to do to make sure I wouldn’t run into them.  I’d be so concerned about their itinerary and whereabouts that I’d abandon my own.  That just doesn’t work for someone who wants to do big things and that someone is me.

So I had to suck it up and say to myself, “Alright, alright. I can let it go. I forgive. I still don’t like that person, but I hope they have a good life. Sincerely.”

And that was it. It was that simple.  I realized how little I actually cared about what’s happening in that person’s life and it was quite pointless holding on to any beef.

So…they are forgiven.  No strings attached. They have been exonerated from my jail of grudge holding and I’m happy about it.  Now I’ve really set my boundary without tying myself up in the process.

I just remind myself that we can be cordial and I wish the best for their experience on this planet…but we ain’t friends.

***Have you signed up for my dope program, The Shy Peacock Journal Collective”?  You really should.  It’s awesome, if I do say so myself. Plus you should start thinking about your getting your journal game up AND supporting a young female entrepreneur who’s trying to put some good vibes in the world.  Check it out here.  You won’t regret it. I promise.***

When The Breakdown Starts to Be Beautiful

I Ride 4My last few posts have probably been a little down in the dumps based on the transition I’m experiencing in life but that’s not the whole story.

Believe it or not, the grind is kind of gorgeous.  I’m still trying to get my feet under me and create tangible stability, but there have been some minor (and a little more than minor) moments in this journey toward making my mark on this planet.

My writing routine is on auto pilot and my general daily routine is starting to birth tangible productivity.  My journaling class is moving ahead and I’m getting some great experience in facilitating my first course (I’m enjoying the role as teacher and facilitator).  In addition to that I got to see a really good friend for the first time in almost 5 years at a time that I needed to interact with loved ones.  It didn’t hurt that she fed me too lol.  I met a fellow, more seasoned writer who pulled no punches and made it very clear that I can do whatever I want to do as long as I got out there and made it happen.

As I write this and look to transition into the next topic I can’t do it just yet because I can think of a few more things that have happened to help further my journey.  I’m truly receiving my guidance from something bigger than me and I don’t feel as scared about what the future holds.

The discomfort just might give way to extreme comfort soon or maybe not.  We’ll see what happens.

I’m grateful.  I say that a lot, but I’m really grateful for it all.  The missteps have become stepping stones and the lifesavers have been plentiful.  I’m still trying to sort it all out but I’ll let you know when I do.

Don’t forget to sign up for the journaling class here.  It’s still happening and you’ll have access to the previously recorded sessions.

Anybody got any stories of when their breakdown started to become beautiful.  If so, please share 🙂

When You’re Mom Discovers You Have A Blog

You read the title right. My mom now knows that I have a blog and she’s probably reading it right now lol.

Yes, the blog has been in existence for a little while now and she should have known about it sooner, but she didn’t.  And I’m cool with that.  I’ve always had this thing about not sharing any new projects with my mother for no other reason than her opinion means a lot more than I’d like to admit and I’m sensitive about my shit.  So, anything as close and personal to me like an online journal that the world can see (lol) falls into the above mentioned category because my mother and I share one very important trait: brutal honesty at sometimes inopportune moments. Sometimes it’s hard to take or even prepare for unabashed honesty when it comes to something that you feel is your calling and your decisions don’t make sense to the people outside of yourself.

But it’s cool.  Turns out, she’s the last person on the list of people who really needs a reintroduction to me (of sorts…I know I know…she’s my mother and she knows everything, but you know what I mean).

I won’t go any further than that except to say, “Prepare yourself Ma. It gets real in these Shy Peacock streets.”

It might take her few visits to get to this post due to her ever growing (limited) knowledge of computers and the net, but I’ll say, “Hey Ma! Welcome to the side of your daughter that you might have been avoiding all this time. Love you :)”

****Don’t forget, you can still sign up for “When We Journal, We Journal Hard” here