Don’t call it a comeback! I’m back on the scene with that gangsta lean! Alright, analogies done lol. So this is the inaugural post of the renewed Shy Peacock. It’s been 589 days since I’ve posted anything here and the time finally felt right. I’ve been mulling over what I should talk about for a couple of weeks now and there wasn’t any one topic that held my attention long enough to write about. I’ve had so many things change and evolve that I feel a since of urgency when comes to sharing but in this last 1 year, 7 months, and 11 days, I’ve actually learned a bit more about discretion and patience. Maybe the best place to start is giving a bit of an explanation as to why I stopped posting for a while.
It’d be easy to say that I stopped because I had writer’s block or something like that but the truth is I stopped for 2 reasons: 1) I got overwhelmed with trying to keep up an almost daily posting schedule along with me literally transitioning into a more stable living situation and 2) My ex-mother in law is nosey as fuck. The first reason is probably a bit more self-explanatory but just to be “mature” I’ll expand on it before I get to the petty shit lol. For some context for those of you who don’t know the full backstory, I was couch hopping for a few months while getting use to the idea of my three sons living with their father who had be skating on the edge of marginal as a parent; today he is not. He’s actually pretty dope to be honest…but back to the story at hand…I’d been the primary parent for years due to my ex-husband pursuing his professional and educational goals and I’d called all the shots. Until…I hit a financial sinkhole and I needed to dig myself out and in order to do that I needed his help (something I could never really trust in the past). On top of that he started dating and eventually married someone that’s great with the kids but I don’t like (shrugs…might as well be honest about it…I don’t wish her ill at all…I just don’t really fuck with her like that for no reason other than I felt she overstepped when it came to my personal boundaries as a woman and a mother, so a line was drawn in the sand….and I’m good with it). As you can imagine that time in life made for a lot of interesting stories and personal growth that wasn’t always easy to manage. Currently things are pretty stable. We have to work at it every day but again, stability has finally become a part of my everyday life.
Now on to reason #2…my ex mother in law was stalking my blog for a while and I was over it. Back when I was still married to her son, she’d crossed so many lines with me, the marriage, and even the kids that I eventually banned her from any house I was living in (with no objection from her son who was still my husband at the time of the verdict). That rule was still in play even after we divorced which means I don’t talk to her. I felt that once I worked up the nerve to leave the marriage, it meant I was leaving what I perceived to be dysfunction on the part of my ex’s family. It was really simple for me (and still is) I wanted her out of my business. When I started the blog initially I didn’t really give a lot of thought to the fact that people who actually knew me would ever read it lol (crazy but true). It certainly didn’t dawn on me that any of the elder people I’d come to know in my life would take the time to log on to a computer to read my little thought. Most of the ones I knew could barely uses their smartphones so you can imagine my shock and amusement when I discovered that my ex mother in law had been on my site daily for close to a month reading all of my entries. The only reason I was able to figure it out was because of the analytics. It was crazy…in matter of weeks I’d gone from about 100 views a day to something like 500. After analyzing the stats I figured out it was one person who didn’t know how to click from one post to the next so they’d go all the way back to the home page and restart navigation of the site. At the time I was in contact with one of my former sister in laws and she informed me that her mom had knew about the blog. Being the genius I am (j/k) I figured out it was her. At first I was amused at the classic baby boomer lack of technology savviness but then I got irritated. Then I felt violated. Then I got straight pissed. Her doing that made me feel disrespected by her all over again. It might be irrational for some but it was clear for me…I wanted her out of my business years before and I still wanted her ass out of my business then. At that point I’d written a million things that left me vulnerable to public opinion but that revelation was just too much for me. So I stopped posting for a while. I had to. I could feel myself on the edge of writing some cryptic shit meant for her and I couldn’t go for that. Just like I felt she’d taken over things in my house, I would’ve allowed her to take over the safe space I’d created for myself. So I said to myself, “Fuck that”. I needed a mental break anyway so it seemed like the perfect time to do just that. I took a break. I started living life. I started working on a few creative projects, hosted a couple of podcasts, had a few failed relationship situations, became a savage, flexed my G muscle, honored my inner (and outer) witch, and decided to get it how I live without regret. It was fun and it still is…and it brought me back to life and gave me a few more sista friends who fully support my journey. I picked up a few good brotha friends too.
So that’s it…that’s what I’ll be talking shit about for a while…the last 589 days and what they did for a G lol. I turned 35, gained a little weight, got a dream job, discovered my ancestors, and started getting more clarity around what my ideal life looks like. I really thought I was an open book before but some much has happened that I feel the need to share a bit more.
Forgive me if there are any typos or grammatical errors in the first post but I was rushing to get this thing posted before the full moon. We’ll get into that sooner or later lol.
Alright ya’ll…holla at me if you have anything to add. I’ve missed you and I hope you missed me too 😉
Peace and light and darkness. Down with the fuck shit lol,