Yesterday started out as a tough one. It was one of those days that made me feel like a complete and utter failure. I was running around all day, yet it felt like I wasn’t accomplishing a damn thing. It was as if time was slipping through my fingers and every project that I worked on seemed incomplete. I was constantly short on time. I’m on a journey of entrepreneurship and every thing that I do has a bearing on my livelihood and my children’s livelihood as well, so the accuracy and efficiency of my execution is paramount in my mind. Although my mission and purpose is driven by love and compassion, it still must be organized, and yesterday I didn’t feel organized in the least.
That feeling extended to my role as a mother. My boys are participating in a summer school disguised as a “summer program” and I wasn’t prepared for some of things that they ended up needing. One of their instructors regarded me with a turned up nose when I let her know that I hadn’t received the list of supplies before the start of the program so I was unaware of the need in the first place. She scoffed at my explanation and I had to restrain myself from saying something sarcastic in response to her disapproval. Okay, maybe I had to stop myself from knocking the glasses off of her face and I don’t like feeling that way at all. In my logical mind I knew that it wasn’t that serious but I couldn’t hear my own voice of reason .
At that point, it felt like a brick was stacked on top of me with every forgotten task, every admission of in-completion, every sudden stop to a project, every slow moving driver that jumped in front of me in traffic, every inexplicable breakdown of my 4 year old, every ill placed question from my 6 year old, and every slow moving reaction to my requests from my 8 year old. I felt like my head was spinning from all of the things that I needed to do but just couldn’t make happen. The frustration was real. To add to my mood, I was disappointed in myself because I knew that I had all of the tools to handle each and every thing that were coming my way. I had juggled much more and was happy and buoyant the whole time. Hell, I had just written about how meditation and reflection had changed my whole life, yet I just couldn’t get it together. I didn’t feel like reaching out to any of my go to friends or family to vent it out because, well, I knew what I could do. I’d trapped myself in a fish bowl with no ladder out. I could see the solution off in the distance but I couldn’t and wouldn’t start moving my feet in that direction.
After feeling like a fuck up for the majority of the day, I tried to sit down and get some work done. Five minutes in and I said screw it, “I’m going to bed and I’ll just try again tomorrow.” And I did just that, except I couldn’t go to sleep because my mind wandered back to my mess ups from the day. Music was playing in the background but I wasn’t really paying attention. That is until the opening of Donny Hathaway’s A Song For You started up. You know what I’m talking about, that piano introduction that’s emotional by itself, but eventually leads to Mr. H’s super passionate declaration of “I’ve been so many places in my life and times.” We are all aware of the tears the words of that song shed and apparently my not so great mood wasn’t immune to it because I almost immediately started to cry. Not just weeping quietly in my bed, but a straight up sob session that involved a snotty nose and swollen eyes. I had not at any point during the day been on the brink of tears so I was caught off guard and wondering what the hell had just happened. I’d had a bad day, but nothing to truly cry about. Not at least to me. But cry and cry I did and ultimately I needed to go to the bathroom and clean my face. As I walked into the bathroom, I hit the light switch and I happened to look into the mirror and there it was…the ugly ass cry face. I looked horrible but I felt 2000 times better, cleansed even. Turns out, sitting still and allowing the tears and the snot to flow grounded me. That good cry made me sit with my visceral self and steered me away from trying to figure out a solution to every little thing that had happened earlier.
By the time I made myself presentable again I was energized to approach each ill completed task with a better attitude. I was even forced to address the fact that I had attracted that string of BS to me the whole day. The moment something didn’t go as I planned, I jumped down the rabbit hole of bad luck and the craziness stayed with me. Universal law started kicking my ass and I had done it to myself. Even with that I knew that I needed to be a bit more gentle with myself. I’m not perfect and I shouldn’t expect perfection at every moment. My children know that I love them and that I’m happy to take care of them so I’m doing pretty well. People have been supportive of my entrepreneurial aspirations and that’s more than I could’ve ever asked for. For me, gratitude is the path to prosperity and that ugly ass cry cleared the way for me to see that again.
Talk to me about ways you get grounded in high pressure situations.
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