I Am Who I’ve Been Searching For Pt. 2

Some times I think I want a boyfriend…and then I get over it.  Although I’m divorced, I’m not turned off by the idea of being in a relationship.  I might even call myself a hopeful romantic.  I am genuinely moved by real life and even scripted romances.  I think they’re beautiful.  Whenever I witness that interaction between significant others,  I start to fantasize of the day my guy comes and sweeps me off my feet in the grandest of ways.  I wax poetic for a while but it never lasts because I start thinking about the mechanics of it all.  The dating (which requires me to put effort into my appearance), being attentive to someone else’s personal preferences, sharing my space, blah,blah, blah.  I literally get anxious at the thought of having to accommodate another person in my everyday life.  I can get pretty weird about my personal space and I’ve been known to hold up in my apartment for days at a time if I have enough snacks and I like to do that alone.  And it’s not fun to think of being on my best behavior for someone that could potentially start getting on my nerves.  I could go on and on about that.  Especially since I’m in a pretty creative and productive space right now.  I’m not interested in someone coming in and wrecking my flow. It took a long time for me to find it and distractions are not welcome.

Alright I admit it,  I just don’t feel like putting in the effort right now and I’m good with that.  For now at least.  But I see some good looking men here in DC and I have moments of rethinking that.

I got involved with someone pretty quickly after my marriage ended and I was almost immediately consumed by the situation.  Thinking back, I was totally consumed by it.  I was waiting around all the time for this dude, and because he was the uber sensitive type,  I felt like I had an overgrown child in addition to the three I had actually given birth to.  Scratch that…he was like an unruly teenager who was always looking for ways to assert his maturity.  I was ALWAYS cognizant of this guy’s feelings and always prepared to be there when he called because he was always working.  Needless to say, it left very little time for me to fully focus on any of my personal interests.  He had a lot of great qualities but he was smothering.  At least that’s how it felt to me.  We actually got pretty serious and almost moved in together.  Once things ended, I experienced an almost immediate relief.  Even in the midst of being hurt and disappointed that our relationship had broken down, I was RELIEVED and EXHAUSTED and within twenty four hours of us splitting up, I couldn’t imagine getting back with him.  Within a week, I felt like a bird that had been released from her cage and the relationship was a distant memory.  Yeah, it was that deep.

The experience didn’t make me bitter toward men at all.  It just made me tired and too drained to consider making a pivot in my focus for the sake of a relationship.  I got really comfortable with being alone with my thoughts and my actions.  I started enjoying it deeply.  I’ve been categorized as hard to tie down, but I was recently assessed (more like accused) by a really good male friend of “having a will normally found in men and I don’t necessarily move when urged, or change when asked”.  I don’t entirely agree with that, but I can understand his take on it.  I do sympathize with guys who get a bad wrap for being commitment phobic.  It’s not the being with someone, it’s the energy that you have to put into the effort of considering another grown up that’s new in your life and the changes that come with the effort.  It can be unnerving to think about making changes after you’ve hit a point of liking yourself and I like me quite a bit these days.  I want to be able to move when I please and move how I want.  I like quick movement once I get started and slowing down does not seem desirable.

I say all of this, but the fact remains that I do want a partner at some point.  I don’t want to get old alone.  I’ve committed to making sure that my sons know it’s ok for them to have their own lives and branch out into the world without worrying about me interfering, so they are not expected to keep me company when my adventures are closer to home.

I think I’ll sit the relationship thing out for a while longer just based on the fact that I’ve been blessed to really get into the nooks and crannies of my personality and character.  For all intents and purpose, I’m virtually cleaning my internal house and purging the nonsense that keeps me from being great on my own.  I’m finding the beautiful things about me, but I still have to explore the shadows that exist as well.  If I can handle that, then I should be an excellent partner to some unsuspecting man.  So what it boils down to is that I’ve chosen myself.  It looks like I am who I’ve been searching for…again.

It might cliched but it’s true what they say: you have to love yourself before you love someone else.  I still need to do things like go on vacation alone, establish myself as a self-made entrepreneur, and really, really get to know myself outside of being a mother while still keeping my boys close.  I’m following through on the task of loving all of me and all ways.

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